she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
