Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
