How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
