Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
