I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
