I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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