I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
