when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
