You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh god it's open bar.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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