You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
