I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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