Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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