break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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