Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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