Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
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