i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
