eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
