If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
