so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
