i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
