i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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