You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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