I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
