He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
