i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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