You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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