I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Found the puke drawer
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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