best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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