Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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