So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
