Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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