there were more penises there than on chat roulette
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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