She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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