I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
