If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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