I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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