Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My bed smells like the plague
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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