Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
