Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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