mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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