two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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