My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
do nipples grow back?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
