if you like me you must not know who I am
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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