somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
