even my farts smell like vagina
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
God I need to hump something, right now.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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