this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
