it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
