And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
