I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
