you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
