And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
