dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
