It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
