I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
