I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
