made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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