Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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