Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
